Healing After the Loss of a Loved One

Experiencing the death of a loved one can be one of life’s greatest challenges.  What can make mourning even more difficult is the feeling that you’re somehow doing it wrong.  Grieving is a unique experience, however, and there is no formula for doing it.

While there is no one right way to grieve the loss of a loved one, there are some guidelines that may help you to heal.

Know that You Will Survive the Loss

The pain of a loved one’s departure is so great that it may even feel overwhelming enough to cause one’s own death.  It is important to remember that emotions, no matter how powerful, cannot harm you.

In fact, suppressing or avoiding feelings can often worsen the situation, and even take a toll on one’s physical health.  Denying the pain of loss tends to stunt the grieving process, and may lead to carrying the unresolved feelings into the future.

Understand the Ebb and Flow of Grief

Grieving is a dynamic process, with an ebb and flow that can be difficult to predict.  After a few weeks, you may have a day when you feel like you can finally catch your breath, when you can appreciate the beauty of a sunny afternoon, and when your dog can make you laugh again.  The next day, you may feel that old, familiar darkness and despair creep back in.

Conflicting, confusing, and uncomfortable feelings may manifest when one is in mourning.  You may experience anger toward the deceased person for abandoning you, a sense of relief from the burden of caring for them through a long illness, or even nothing at all.  These responses can then give rise to secondary feelings, such as guilt for harboring such “irrational” thoughts.

This waxing and waning of complex emotions is natural; it does not mean that you are a “bad person” or that you are doing something wrong.  Learning to accept it can make the grieving process more bearable.  Embracing one’s full range of feelings, both positive and negative, will help you to endure the pain until the good days begin to outnumber the bad again.

Practice Self Care

Try not to neglect your personal needs during this time.  Make sure that you get enough rest and eat well, and try to remain physically active.  This may help to alleviate stress and anxiety.

Above all, be kind and compassionate to yourself.  If you need to cry in the bathroom during your lunch break, or can’t seem to “just move on” with life as usual, try not to be too self-critical.  Extend the same patience and forgiveness to yourself that you would afford a friend or relative in their time of need.

Get Support

The people who love you will want to help during the weeks and months that follow the loss.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for this support.  If you need someone to watch your child so you can have some time to take care of yourself, ask them.  If your spouse was always the one to handle repairs around the house, ask a family member to come over and assist you.

Finally, you may consider seeking the guidance of a therapist who can help you work through your emotions and develop coping skills.  If you are suffering from a personal loss and may be interested in exploring treatment, please feel free to contact me.  I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.