Is My Anger Normal, Or Should I Seek Help?

When our buttons get pushed, it’s completely natural to feel angry. In fact, anger is a normal emotion that can facilitate better communication and positive change when expressed appropriately.  For some, however, managing their anger is challenging. Often people are unaware that they have what others may describe as “toxic” or “out-of-control” anger. That’s because their loved ones have gotten used to regulating their anger for them by hiding their own feelings, choosing their words carefully, and walking on egg shells, all in an effort to “keep the peace.”

If you are uncertain whether or not you may have anger issues, read the following common reasons for intense anger and see if any of them sound familiar.

Anger as a Way to Self-Soothe

People have found all manner of ways to self-medicate as a way to deal with life’s pain.  Anger may serve that function for some. 

One of the hormones secreted by the brain during a fit of anger is called norepinephrine, which acts as an analgesic, or pain reliever. Anger triggers often reflect deep psychological wounds, of which we may or may not be conscious.

Becoming angry in the moment releases a powerful brain chemical that numbs our emotional pain so we don’t feel vulnerable, ignored, unimportant, rejected, or worthless. But as with any drug, a person can become addicted to the chemical reaction of their own anger.

Self-Empowerment

Another chemical released by the brain during a fit of anger is called epinephrine. While norepinephrine acts like a pain reliver, epinephrine acts like an amphetamine, allowing one to feel a sudden surge of energy throughout the entire body.  The “fight or flight” response is activated in response to a perceived threat.

This adrenaline rush counteracts feelings of powerlessness in the moment, or perhaps life in general.  Some research suggests that epinephrine may be as addictive as alcohol and cocaine, so it’s not surprising that many people may find themselves unable to break the habit.

“Safe” Attachment

Some people don’t feel safe in relationships without keeping others at a certain distance. This is often a response to a parent or caretaker being unavailable, unresponsive, or untrustworthy in one’s past. The adult children of these types of parents feel the need to cultivate a certain emotional detachment in their relationships, and anger is a very effective way of doing that.

Strategies for Managing Anger

1. Recognize the problem – As with a substance addiction, it’s important to recognize and admit you may have a problem.

2. Monitor your behavior – Keep an anger journal and log behavior you noticed or you were accused of by others. Note the incident, trigger, and the intensity of your anger. Often just seeing your anger on paper will offer some insights into where it’s coming from.

3. Feel your anger but don’t act on it – Bottling up emotions is never the answer. It’s important for us to feel our feelings, even the negative ones.  But it’s equally important to regulate our actions. Try to walk away from potential angry confrontations.

4. Get some help – Speaking with someone about your anger can often help. By uncovering the emotions underneath the anger, you can diffuse it and begin to heal from past traumas.

If you feel you may have an issue with anger and would like to explore therapy, I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.